Be careful what you wish for...

I asked someone the other day what they thought of me. Well, I definately have my answer to that question. The unfortunate part is that it is the things I hate about myself is what they know me as.

I could try to deny or justify who or what I have become. Blame it on a childhood or family issues. What good would that be? It still manages to raise its ugly head around people I know and care about.

But what does one do when they have become the person they did not want to be growing up? Too bad I can't take myself to some upgrade center and have things removed and improved things added. I have fulfilled my own wicked destiny.

I have heard may theories on this. It was past relationships. It was growing up in an alcoholic family. But once you know how you act, is it not your responsibilty to change these things?

I have lost much in my life due to the choices I make. It always comes down to the same things. But where does one finally say enough and step up to the plate and get it done?

Add that to my many flaws of character. I have the bell to put on the cat, but I am too afraid to do it myself. Or just too set in my ways. Maybe I am too afraid of change. Maybe I am a coward and cannot stand up to my inner demons.

Or maybe I am as weak inside as I fear I really am. And I take out my deepest innermost fears and project them onto people I care about as I am to selfish to work on them myself.

I think it is time for me to 'disappear' for awhile. It is time for me to finally take charge of my weaknesses. I am no good to anyone until I do....

Men and women are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Now I have never seen that before...

I went out with my friend Laurie for some drinks last night. She seemed a bit off center as we bounced from place to place. She never found her drinking 'chi'... We would be at one bar and it would be too chill, couldn't go somewhere else as it wasn't chill enough. It was kinda like being with Goldilocks.. But we all have those nights where you seem to be forcing yourself on a good time.



But moments can be had... Laurie was sitting with friends from Hills Cafe and she needed to use the restroom. Well, the door was blocked as apparently some woman was having sex with a guy she just met. The woman's boyfriend came over and asked Laurie to check on her in the bathroom. As the door was blocked, nothing could be done at the time.. But then they emerged from there and boyfriend weilds a knife and starts swinging it around. No one was hurt, but drunk girl wandered off and Laurie got a nice motorcycle helmet out of the deal.



But this was the moment that made the night worth while. I was sitting at the bar watching Sportscenter when two guys did the whole buttercup scene from "The Three Amigos' with lyrics AND choreography. This was simply amazing. The bar stopped in its tracks for 3 minutes.



And finally made the Loo smile...

What am I doing???

Yesterday was a long day. The day before, even longer. I was sitting with a friend the other night after going to see Spoon. We talked about some situations of her's that have made life a bit complex for herself. As she was talking to me I could not help thinking about the compromises we make to try to find what we want. Those compromises then force us to make concessions and so forth causing a never ending cycle. Before it is realized we lost what was sought after as it has been damaged in our journey to achieve it.

What are we willing to sacrifice in our quests? I can't even count how many bad decisions I have made in my life. But perhaps not the bad decisions I regret as much as making no decisions. That is what has scared me of recent.

But what now? Is the problem realized? What path should be taken? Can I take the reigns of my personal life and make things happen? Do I really want to?

That sounds like a decision that needs to be made...

Can't sleep...

It has been a pretty busy week. CSBG, Connect Four, dog parks, Sandy's Custard... Spoon with Molly tonight. Meetings tomorrow. I will need a vacation soon. But I need sleep now. I think I will give it another go....

This is January???

So I am sitting outside in a T-shirt in January. While nice weather, kinda spooky. Can you say global warming? This is going to be one full week. Spoon, CSBG, and a lot of other stuff too. Last night was an impromptu night out at the Yellow Rose with Shana and Nicole. Much fun. Much Crown. Much Tuaca.

Amy is not a big fan of the Crown...

I finally got my friend Amy to check out Barfly's. The funny thing is for the first time they ran out of Lonestar.. They annouced it right when we walked in and the crowd did a collective "awwwwww".

Laurie and I had a couple drinks Thursday. Now as a launching spot, I love Iron Cactus North. And I love even more is the Austrailian bartendress who pours a mean Crown on the Rocks..

My dog has a new friend. Not sure what she thinks of it...

Yes! I tasted actual food!!!

Well, queso with beef. I love a knock on the door that when I open it I am greeted by queso. I am still not 100% but the fever broke this morning and after 3 gallons of water to replace all the sweating I have done the last couple days. At least I can resume being part of the human race again. My dog finally got to play outside. Well, she ran in a fenced area 50 feet from my door, I sat on the ground wearing 3 layers on a warm day like today... One last night of rest should bring me up to speed.

Well, I have been sick for 3 days now. This pic shows me at the best I have felt since Wednesday. I miss FOOD!!! I havne't been able to eat that much.. I am surviving on super juice (my own blend of sprite, orange-pineapple, and cran-rasp jucies) and spaghettios. I want mashed potatoes.. I want queso! I want to taste food! No one like to be seen when they are sick.. The one in full color I look like death warmed over.. I had to add the warm tones of sepia to show I have life in me..

My friend Laurie invited me out to Roller Derby. All I can say is hot chicks that can kick ass rawk!!

Do you do this???

Ok, so all of us in the "blogosphere" keep up with eachother through our blogs. But, for those of us that know the other party in the real world, while you read their blog does your mind speak the words in their voice? Kinda ceepy but kinda cool in the same way... Think about that next time you read someone's blog or MySpace account.

Stress. Hwah. What is it good for? Abosolutely nothing...

Say it again... A little play on the lyrics to WAR.. Someone I know told me that I add stress to their life. Taken back at first, I was suprised, but then I had to agree.. I do add stress. I do. I guess it as to do with relationships (dating, friends, and family) in my younger days. I expect more back now. Sometimes my expectations are not realistic, sometimes I show discontent, and it has a bad result. Others I am just let down. But my wall has kept me from really differentiating the differences. (that sounds like a GW quote..)

The one thing I can say is once I reach a certain point, it has been hard to recover from it. Either from the damage caused, my inability to chose my battles, or just plain pride. Something hard for me to fix.. But getting better at it.

Still though.. I am a work in progress... Tune in next week to see how things turn out!

Mua ha ha ha...

It's Friday the 13th. I didn't realize it till a little bit ago. This is usually a good day for me. We will see I guess... Keep an eye on the photos. I sense an adventure...

Seven days...

One of my favorite songs is Seven Days by Cracker. When I awoke this morning, it was stuck in my head. I took it as a sign to discuss the last week.

Tumultous. It definately describes the last seven. It seemed as if every day the ball of string kept getting tangled. I went to a birthday celebration last Friday. Yeah, that was one to have sat out on. My advice to people out there... If you have a situation with a friend that needs to be resolved don't do it on their birthday.

I have been working on a project for the last month. And that is where I find peace. Nothing like getting deep into something that you really enjoy doing. The only issue is that when I do, I focus so much on it that I forget about anything else going on in my world. So that took a bit of catching up that has left me a bit stressed. But it is all coming together.

But there is a one thing that I can say has been a blessing is my friend Laurie. She sometimes gets stuck in the middle of things she doesn't want to be a part of, but she stays true to both parties. She will listen and sometimes that is all that is needed. She will call you out on what you do and not sell out the others in the process. Going to miss you when you leave.

So I have been...

Really busy. Really really busy. But there is nothing like seeing the results of hard work come to fruition. I am excited to see what people think of what will be happening.

So of my friends.. Be patient with me. This time of year my ADD and tunnel vision goes into overtime. I know when we are out I will zone off and my mind will be 'at work' instead of enjoying the fun time we are having. It is just this time of year. But you will not be forgotten when I have something fun for you. Trust me.

On that note... I need a friggin Lonestar...

This is one of the many reasons I love Austin...

Post game fun.. Thank god for friends buying me drinks, as I get to meet new ones! Thanks for the ride home ladies! (Esp you Emily!)

UT WINS!!!

I was released from work early due to the fact that The Rose Bowl was going to be the only thing going on. I came home and went to the neighbors.. It was a nail biter but DAMN!!! I lost my voice and then met up with friends who bought my drinks and celebrated with me!

Way to go Horns!!! Now I want my Badgers to make a better run for it next year!!!

Laurie getting her swerve on!

Helldorado!!!

Laurie showing her O face...

Damn dirty ape!!!

Are we slow dancing?

Cheers Shot Bar Gang.. I love it when friends take my broke ass out!

Dogs are funny...

I walked to the bank this morning with Mollie. I tied her outside the bank and went in to make the deposit. On my way out, Mollie the dog, had untied herself and was waiting for me inside the double doors. She was so excited to see me it was hard to be mad.

Frienemies...

Last night was Jac's 22nd birthday. The plan was to meet up at Barfly's after 9pm and celebrate. I was going to meet one friend to go up there with them when they got off work. They forgot me. It took me another hour waiting for a cab to finally get there. While waiting for the cab, I got phone call after phone call from the group wondering where I was. When I did arrive, everyone was planning on leaving as they were ready for the next bar.. I go to the restroom and come out and I was forgotten again! (They remembered me halfway down the road and came back)

Before I go in the car, being forgotten twice already and still have not had a beer or even a water yet, I was going to call it a night. "Seriously, I don't want to be forgotten downtown, I am going to call it a night", I told them. Jac, in her eloquent manner, told me to shut the $#@* up and get in the car, as it was her birthday. So I did.

We park and head out to the bars. I finally get a Lonestar! I put the ice cold bottle to my lips and realize as I take a sip that its warm and skunked. I laugh to myself. "Tuaca please.." I take the shot and relax a moment.

We bar hop. Someone forgot their ID. They try to sneak them in. They fail. We move on. It's after midnight and we are all wearing knit yellow hats (I have no idea why), taking pictures, shots, and laughing. This would be the turning point.

We head back out to the bar we started at. The group is bouncing around from person to person, having shots, taking pictures! But one by one, the night takes its toll. You can see it in their eyes. A slight glazing over, a little stagger, a slumped position in a chair.

The bars close. It takes a few minutes to gather the troops. Five of us rode together. None of them can drive. We lose most of the group and the birthday girl. (She left with other friends to party the night away as everyone else was too far gone to continue) Then it begins..

I can drive one of the drunken girls says. Nope. I will then another replies. Nope. "The hell I'm not!" was the response. "I have been more drunk than this and drove home", she says. How reassuring.

The group argues. They split up. They rejoin. They argue. This goes on for 40 minutes. Finally one of them calls an ex for a booty call and the perfect solution has been found. What has been the saving grace is that they didn't remember where the car was. I told them I would tell them only after they released the keys to the ex (who would drive them home in his car) and I would tell them it's location when they were on their way home. I put them in the car and they drive off.

Where did everyone else go? Dammit! I was forgotten downtown! AGAIN!!!

(I called one of the group that had a safe ride home and they came and picked me up. I am not going out till New Year's. I am not going to tempt fate again!)

It's mine!!! All mine!!! I found more lights! Now where is this mysterious 37th st? Who needs it!!!

Mollie says Merry Christmas. She hates having her picture taken.

As luck would have it my 37th st light plans crashed and burned, again, but I found some lights to enjoy anyway.. And my good friends Crown, Tuaca, and Lonestar cheered me out of my stressed out self.

Gave it one last shot...

To see the lights before Christmas. I had a very unfortunate turn of events that really pushed me to the limits of keeping myself composed tonight. I was going to see lights after work, but due to what happened, I was barely keeping myself together emotionally. The friend I was supposed to go with invited people along and I just didn't have the composure to deal with others, especially since I was really lookng forward to hanging out with only one person so I would not have to 'act'. I just didn't have the energy or emotional stability to have plans changed again without asking me first. I really needed a friend's shoulder tonight. But, as luck would have it, not possible in a group. This season has really take a toll on me. I hope everyone out there is making the most of theirs.

All I wanted for Christmas...

Well, since I don't celebrate, I do like seeing the lights. All I wanted to do this year was see the lights before Christmas. I wanted to walk 37th st before Christmas at my own pace with a friend or two and enjoy some hot cocoa while enjoying the wierdest decorations in Austin. Tonight was the last night to do it. The next couple days I have to work long shifts. The last thing I will want to do after being on my feet all day is walk more.

Maybe next year.

It's a Christmas miracle!!!

Ok, some of you have known of my little disaster I called home. If any of you remember the odd couple, I had an apartment that was decorated like Oscar's room, with 10 bags of trash in it. SO I pretended to be a hazmat team and took on the impossible. Still a bit to go but now I can manuver around without having to hop over stuff...

Made my bed too...

Yep... I cleaned...

HA HA HA HA!!!

Check this out. Too Funny!!!

What ever happened to talking???

$26.20 in text messaging over charges. Ridiculous... Actually, I am ridiculous.

I give up...

Not having family makes the holidays pretty uneventful for me. It has never been hard but this year it is hitting me pretty bad. I rely on friends a bit during this time. But not this year. I guess the people I have been spending time with don't get it or me. One of my friends is upset at me because of how I acted when I waited a couple hours for them. Others have made plans and blown them off or decided to do other things.. I throw in the towel. You guys win.. I give up.

It seems to always happen...

Well, will be going to work instead of meeting with friends. Hopefully will be able to meet up with them soon after... It is a nice little chilly night.. Good for this time of year..

Burn candle burn!!!

Well, I have been running around so much lately I am plain exhausted. Is it too much to handle? No. Nothing like that. I just haven't given myself any quality time.

Right now I am taking a break at Wiki Wiki Teriyaki in the Arboretum. Not bad food, not great, but not bad. There is free wifi coming from somewhere, so I am happy.

Last night went downtown, for work, and it was damn cold. Yes it was for work. I did have a beer but it was because I ran into some people from Springbox who were having their Christmas Party. Now that is a fun group of people. I did fall asleep from pure exhaustion right after.

I am looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow night at their Christmas parties. The funny thing is that I was invited to both, and they are at the same place at the same time! Good thing I didn't try to blow one off to go to the other as I would have been caught for sure!

I think I am gonna take a nap at Sharper Image in one of the massage chairs.

I went to see King Kong tonight with a friend. It was awesome. So was the huge drink and popcorn I got. AND I got to sit 3rd row center. My favorite spot!

My dogs are tired...

So I have walked downtown a lot the past couple days. A lot. I don't think I have missed one spot of concrete or asphault. Thank god for an ice cold Red Bull and my Doc Martens. Still.. Feet tired. I need a Lonestar!

Only in China...

The Chinese let a stalker go. Go figure. Can't wait until all the psychos here start using this as a defense..

I think they broke the mugs when they did this

Gotta love Friday nights out with friends.

Will it happen???

Snow that is.... In Austin Thursday in the ealriest of AM.. The forecasters don't know yet.. But man do I hope it does!

Saturday night off? How often does that happen. I hit some ofthe usual spots with my friend Laurie as she just flew back in from Vail. (Iron Cactus North is a great place to go first.. Its chill and has awesome specials) I ran into Deann for the first time in a long time at Dallas.

I went to the Canary Roost for the first time last week. Nice little dive with karaoke all the time.Becca waits oh so patiently for the song to start...

The Village Idiot...

My friend Laurie has been on vacation with her family in Vail for a week now. She is definately going to need detox when she comes back from the stories I have heard so far. But the stories... Hil-ar-ious... Hope you take and took a lot of pictures!

She has been partying it up in the Vail Village every night, hence the title. I love getting text message updates... Its kept me laughing all week!